If I could count the number of times I have looked down and realized I made some type of mistake, well let’s just say there are to many to count. One of the issues I have is I am so afraid of messing up that I can never move forward. Then I finally move forward and I screw it all up. It then reinforces the desire to withdraw, isolate myself and never try again. I have had to learn how not to completely have a melt down when I screw up. Similarly I have had to learn that if the people around me are not willing to work with my screw ups then maybe I need a new team.
It does not matter who you are. You can be the greatest gymnast, the best doctor, the most wise pastor or the president. No person walks through life without looked down and going oh no!!! What did I just do? Given I have a mental disability this seems to happen to me way more than other people. Particularly when I am not feeling well. It is frustrating but has taught me so much humility and how to have grace for myself. With learning to have grace for myself I have learned to have more grace for other people.
When I was a child and I made a mistake I was often discipled, reprimanded or yelled at. I did not always deal with this well emotionally. As a adult I tended to have a similar view of God. If I made a mistake God was going to send some bolt of lightning to strike me down. Or I would think that my suffering was punishment for some mistake. I took the behaviors I learned from my parents and transferred this to God the father. This is often what we do. When we view God the father we often transfer certain ideas we made based on our human father. Thus my view of God the father was distorted.
It took me many many mistakes, mess ups and ooh my goodness moments to fully get it through my head that my God the father was actually smiling down on my mess ups with joy, happiness and pride. When you have a child that is learning to ride a bike for the first time they fall many times. A loving father would pick the child back up, brush off the dirt and say here try again. The father would not yell, belittle or punish the child for falling. Of course the child fell.
I have had to learn that God is very much ok with me messing up. He expects it. He allows it and he works through it for his glory. God cares that my heart is in the right place. As long as my heart is in the right place I should have no fear or anxiety of falling, failing or messing up. This is where I find my freedom to move forward. This is part of what having faith in my Heavenly Father means to me. My faith in him means he will work all things to his glory when I am seeking first the kingdom of God. Similar, God never wants me to hidden in the closet in fear. Even when I am at my sickest, I should never be isolated, hidden or alone. Neither should anyone else. But I am also reminded that it is the role of others more experienced to guide others so that mistakes are minimized and contained. When we are left without oversight people fall but they may not get back up. Amen.